The Lighthouse

The Lighthouse: A Comedy of Madness and Mysterious Mackerels

Thomas Wake: “Welcome to my isolated paradise, Ephraim! Your job is to keep the lighthouse running and, uh, avoid any existential crises.”

Ephraim Winslow: “Sure thing, boss! But what’s behind that locked door? Is it a treasure? A monstrous sea creature? A secret stash of rum?”

Thomas Wake: “Let’s just say it’s my little secret. And no, it’s not rum. Well, maybe a little rum.”

Set in the early 20th century, The Lighthouse is not just a film; it’s a descent into madness served with a side of seagull harassment. Our two leads, played by Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson, are basically a buddy cop duo if the cops were both spiraling into insanity and arguing about who gets to keep the lightbulb.

Ephraim: “I just want to do my job and maybe have a bit of fun.”

Thomas: “Fun? The only fun here is my diet of salt pork and the occasional hallucination!”

As the days drag on in their claustrophobic lighthouse, Ephraim becomes increasingly obsessed with the light and the strange, possibly sentient, happenings around him. You know, like every horror movie ever, when curiosity kills the cat—or in this case, drives a man to madness. Seriously, if I had a rand for every time Ephraim peered through that locked door, I could buy him a one-way ticket off that rock.

Ephraim: “What’s that light doing? Is it calling to me? Am I going to become a lighthouse god?”

Thomas: “More like a lighthouse lunatic. But hey, at least you’ll glow in the dark!”

As Ephraim’s sanity unravels quicker than a cheap sweater, he starts seeing visions, including a mermaid that seems more interested in giving him a heart attack than a romantic rendezvous. And let’s not forget about the seagulls—these feathered fiends are the real antagonists. At one point, I half expected them to form a union and demand better treatment.

Ephraim: “Why won’t you leave me alone, you cursed bird?”

Seagull: “Caw! I’m just here for the drama!”

And then there’s the climax, where the tension reaches a boiling point, and it’s basically a showdown between Thomas and Ephraim. Spoiler alert: it gets messy. Think less “who will win the tug of war” and more “who will bludgeon the other with a rusty lobster trap.” It’s like a twisted game of chess where the pieces are actually trying to kill each other.

In the end, we’re left with a beautifully shot film that asks profound questions about isolation, madness, and the nature of man—while also making us question the sanity of anyone who ever thought working in a lighthouse was a good idea. So, if you’re looking for a lighthearted romp, maybe stick to something else. But if you want to see what happens when two men go mad in a remote lighthouse, this is the cinematic experience for you!

Final note: If you ever find yourself working in a lighthouse, remember: don’t trust the seagulls, and for goodness’ sake, stay away from the locked door!