Superman

Spoiler Machine’s Witty Recap of Superman

Jor-El: So, the planet Krypton is about to go kablooey, and the government thinks I’m just some crazy scientist? What do they know? I mean, who wouldn’t trust a guy in a lab coat?

General Zod: You’re telling me you’re sending your baby to another planet? Brilliant plan, Jor-El! What could possibly go wrong?

Jor-El: Just watch, Zod. I’ll send my son to Earth. He’ll be a big deal there. Superpowers and all. And the best part? I’ll get to avoid the awkward family dinners!

Clark Kent: (Years later) I’m just a regular guy working at the Daily Planet. Nothing to see here! Just me, my glasses, and my existential dread.

Lois Lane: Hey, Clark! Why do you always look so… well, like you’re hiding something? You know, I have this feeling you might be more than meets the eye.

Clark Kent: (sweating bullets) Me? No way! Just your average Joe who can lift a car and fly faster than a speeding bullet! Oops, did I say that out loud?

Lois Lane: Wait a minute! Is that a cape I see peeking out from your closet? And why do you keep disappearing whenever there’s trouble?

Clark Kent: (facepalming) Okay, fine! I’m Superman! But can we talk about my costume later? It’s a bit tight!

Lex Luthor: Aha! The world has a new hero, and I’m not having any of it! Time to unleash my evil plan! I’ll use real estate schemes and a giant kryptonite rock to take him down. Classic villain moves!

Clark Kent: (realizing he’s in deep trouble) Oh no! Lex is up to his old tricks again. And here I thought I could just enjoy some quiet time, maybe save a cat from a tree or something.

Lois Lane: (in peril) Help! I’m in a helicopter, and it’s about to go down! Someone call 911! Oh wait, I forgot, Superman’s my boyfriend!

Clark Kent: (dashing in) I got this! Up, up, and away—whoops, wrong movie! But seriously, I’m coming for you, Lois!

Lex Luthor: (with a maniacal laugh) You’ll never save her, Superman! My kryptonite will turn you into a glorified paperweight!

Clark Kent: (gritting his teeth) Not if I can help it! I’ll just have to channel my inner superhero and, you know, save the day! Again!

Lex Luthor: (defeated) Curse you, Superman! I’ll get you next time! Maybe with a giant robot or something more original!

Lois Lane: (breathless) You did it, Superman! You saved me! And now the world knows your secret identity! What’s next? A reality show?

Clark Kent: (sighing) Well, I guess I’ll just have to get used to the fame. But first, can someone get me a drink? I’ve been through a lot today!

Jor-El: (from beyond) I told you, son! Being a superhero is a full-time job! And don’t forget to wear your cape with pride!

Clark Kent: (smiling) Thanks, Dad! Now, who’s up for some world-saving?