Spoiler Machine Reviews: Alexander
Critic: So, let’s talk about “Alexander,” the epic tale of a dude who conquers more land than a kid playing Risk on steroids. Can we take a moment to appreciate that he managed to conquer 90% of the world by the time he was 25? Talk about an overachiever!
Audience Member: Right? It’s like, “What did you do this summer?” and he’s like, “Oh, you know, just took over the Persian Empire and made my way to India.” Casual.
Critic: Exactly! The film kicks off with young Alexander, played by Colin Farrell, who has an accent so confusing it’s like he’s trying to channel both his inner Greek and Irish at the same time. His mom, Olympias, played by Angelina Jolie, is like the ultimate stage mom, pushing him to greatness and maybe a little bit of madness. She’s all into snakes and prophecies, which is a bit much for a kid just trying to figure out his homework.
Audience Member: And then there’s his dad, Philip II, who’s busy being a king and a total jerk at the same time. You’d think he’d be more supportive, but no, he’s too busy marrying other women and trying to build a harem. Classic dad move!
Critic: Right? So, Alexander grows up, gets a bit of tutelage from Aristotle – because who doesn’t want a philosopher as a teacher? – and then it’s off to conquer the world. He starts with the Persians, and let me tell you, the battles are intense! It’s like watching a really violent game of chess, but with more swords and less strategy.
Audience Member: And can we talk about the Battle of Gaugamela? It’s like a massive game of dodgeball where Alexander is the kid who keeps throwing the ball at the bigger kids and somehow wins! His army is outnumbered, but he’s like, “Nah, I’ve got this!”
Critic: Totally! And then he rolls into Egypt, where they’re all like, “Welcome, great king!” and he’s like, “Thanks, but I’m really just here to take over.” He gets crowned Pharaoh, which is a pretty sweet gig if you can swing it. But wait, it gets better! He decides to visit the Oracle of Siwa, and what does he get? A prophecy that he’s the son of Zeus! Talk about a family reunion nobody wants to attend.
Audience Member: Zeus as a dad? That’s a plot twist. Next thing you know, he’s fighting elephants in India like it’s a family reunion barbecue gone wrong. The Hydaspes River battle? Wild!
Critic: And let’s not forget the drama with his best friend, Hephaestion. Their bromance is so intense it could be a rom-com if it weren’t for all the bloodshed. They’re basically the original “Will They, Won’t They?” couple of ancient times.
Audience Member: But then things get dark, right? He starts losing his grip on reality, and suddenly everyone’s backstabbing each other like it’s a Shakespearean tragedy.
Critic: Oh, for sure! Alexander goes from conquering to self-destructing faster than you can say “Macedonian meltdown.” He gets all paranoid and starts thinking everyone’s out to get him. Spoiler alert: they kind of are! His own men are like, “Dude, we’re tired. Let’s go home.” But he’s all, “No, let’s keep going! To the ends of the earth!”
Audience Member: And then he just dies in Babylon after a wild binge! What a way to go. Talk about going out with a bang… or maybe just a hangover!
Critic: Right? The guy who conquered the world ends up dying in a palace, probably regretting that last drink. His empire falls apart faster than you can say “What was the point of all this?” It’s a wild ride filled with glory, betrayal, and way too much drama for one man to handle.
Audience Member: So what’s the takeaway? Don’t conquer too much too fast? Or maybe just be careful about who you drink with?
Critic: Exactly! “Alexander” is a cautionary tale of ambition, friendship, and the perils of being a world conqueror with daddy issues. If you enjoy epic battles and a tragic fall from grace, this one’s for you!