He’s Just Not That Into You: A Shakespearean Spoiler Recap

Act I: The Setup

Enter Gigi, a fair maiden, with hope in her heart and confusion in her mind.

Gigi:
What light through yonder window breaks?
Is it love or merely a jest from yon man, Conor?

Conor:
Fair Gigi, I doth not return thy calls,
forsooth, I am but a mirage in this desert of romance!

Gigi:
But soft! He hath smiled upon me once or thrice!
Is this not a sign of affection?

Conor:
Nay, sweet Gigi, it is but a fleeting shadow
of a man who seeketh another’s heart.
For I am enchanted by another,
the fair and cunning Anna!

Act II: The Trials of Love

Enter Anna, who hath caught Conor’s eye.

Anna:
Good morrow, Conor!
Dost thou not see, I am but a jester in this game of hearts?
For I am taken by another,
yet I crave thine attention.

Conor:
Thy heart is a fickle beast!
I am torn ‘twixt two fair maidens,
and yet, I find myself lost in thine eyes.

Act III: The Revelation

Enter Janine, the wise woman, who doth see through the veil of confusion.

Janine:
O, foolish hearts!
Dost thou not see?
Love is a tempest,
yet ye sail in circles,
bound to the whims of those who care not for thee!

Gigi:
What dost thou mean, wise Janine?

Janine:
He’s just not that into you, dear Gigi!
The signs are as clear as day!
Seek not the affection of those who treat thee
as a mere footnote in their tale.

Act IV: The Awakening

All characters gather for the final confrontation.

Gigi:
Then I shall not chase after shadows!
I will embrace my worth,
for I am more than a fleeting glance!

Anna:
And I, too, shall cease my pursuit of
a heart that belongs to another!

Conor:
I am but a fool, and my heart is a fickle wind.
I shall learn to love those who love me in return!

Janine:
Hark! Let us cast away our doubts,
for love is a dance,
not a chase!
Embrace the truth,
and let the heart lead!

All:
To love, to learn, to live!
We shall no longer be ensnared
by the illusions of unrequited hearts!

Exeunt omnes, wiser and lighter, ready to embrace love anew.