Spoiler Machine Reviews: Long Distance
Scene 1: The Crash Landing
Miner: “Well, this is just peachy! One minute I’m mining asteroids, the next I’m crash-landing on a planet that looks like a bad acid trip!”
Friend: “At least you’ve got a good view… of impending doom!”
So, our brave miner takes a nosedive onto a strange alien planet. It’s not exactly a tropical paradise; think more ‘post-apocalyptic wasteland meets a horror movie set’. He steps out of his wrecked ship, and it’s clear he’s in for a wild ride. The air is thin, the landscape is rugged, and the local wildlife looks like it skipped leg day at the gym. Perfect!
Scene 2: The Oxygen Crisis
Miner: “Note to self: never trust the autopilot. And maybe invest in a backup oxygen tank!”
Our hero quickly realizes that oxygen is running low, and he’s got less time than a contestant on a cooking show. With every breath, he’s feeling more like an asthmatic goldfish. As he stumbles through the alien terrain, he encounters bizarre creatures that look like they were designed by a toddler on a sugar high.
Scene 3: The Chase Begins
Miner: “Great, now I’m being hunted by something that looks like a cross between a dinosaur and a bad hair day!”
Just when he thought it couldn’t get worse, he finds himself the main course in an alien buffet. These creatures are relentless, and he’s got to outrun them while gasping for air like a fish out of water. Spoiler alert: it’s not going well. He trips, he falls, he questions all of his life choices—classic survival movie stuff.
Scene 4: Finding the Survivor
Miner: “I’m not alone? I thought I was the last person left! And here you are, looking like you’ve been living in a horror film for years!”
Just when it seems like our miner is about to become alien lunch, he stumbles upon the only other survivor on this desolate rock. This person looks like they’ve been through the wringer—hair unkempt, clothes tattered, and a look in their eyes that says, “I’ve seen some things.” Together, they form an unlikely duo, bonding over their shared trauma and mutual hatred for oxygen deprivation.
Scene 5: The Escape Plan
Survivor: “So, you have a plan, right? Because I’m fresh out of ideas, and my last one nearly got me eaten!”
They hatch a plan to escape the planet, which involves a lot of running, hiding, and hoping that the creatures don’t have a taste for human. As they work together, they share their backstories, which are filled with tragedy, humor, and a surprising amount of sarcasm. Who knew a potential last meal could be so entertaining?
Scene 6: The Grand Finale
Miner: “If we survive this, I’m never mining asteroids again!”
In a nail-biting conclusion, they make a daring escape, using their wits and a little bit of luck. There’s a climactic showdown with the alien creatures, where our miner learns that sometimes, teamwork makes the dream work—especially when your life is on the line. Spoiler: they make it out alive, but not without a few scars and a newfound appreciation for breathable air.
Final Thoughts
Long Distance is a rollercoaster of emotions, filled with suspense, humor, and a dash of existential dread. It’s a wild ride that reminds us that sometimes, the distance between life and death can be just one bad landing away. Grab your space helmets, folks, because this film is a blast—literally!