Poltergeist: A Modern Shakespearean Spoiler Review

Act I: The New Abode

Enter the Bowens, a merry family full of hope.

Father Bowen: Lo! We have found a house most fair, a haven where dreams may flourish!

Mother Bowen: Indeed, dear husband! What could possibly go awry in this charming abode?

But little do they know, lurking in the shadows is a malevolent spirit, ready to crash their suburban bliss.

Child Bowen (the youngest, Carol Anne): O, what light through yonder window breaks? I hear whispers from the closet!

Father Bowen: Fear not, sweet child! It is but the wind, or perhaps a friendly ghost!

Unbeknownst to them, friendly ghosts are the least of their worries.

Act II: The Haunting Unfolds

As night falls, strange happenings commence. Chairs dance, lights flicker, and the television emits static like a bad 80s sitcom.

Mother Bowen: What madness is this? Our home doth play tricks upon us!

Child Bowen: Nay, Mother! I see them! The spirits, they want to play!

And play they do, particularly with Carol Anne, who becomes their favorite toy.

Act III: The Kidnapping

One fateful night, while the parents slumber, the spirits take their prize.

Father Bowen: Wherefore art thou, my child? The house is still, yet my heart beats tumultuously!

Mother Bowen: Alas! She is gone, taken by the dark forces of this wretched dwelling!

Thus begins their desperate search, not for mere lost toys, but for their beloved daughter.

Act IV: Seeking Help

The Bowens, filled with dread, summon the experts, a band of ghostly investigators.

Ghost Hunter 1: Fear not, dear mortals! We shall vanquish the phantoms that plague you!

Ghost Hunter 2: But first, we must confront the evil entity that hath claimed your child!

They set forth into the realm of the supernatural, armed with little more than sage and a lot of bravado.

Act V: The Rescue

In a climactic showdown, the Bowens confront the spirit world.

Father Bowen: Release my daughter, thou foul specter! She is not a plaything!

Mother Bowen: We shall not rest until our family is whole again!

With courage and a sprinkling of 80s special effects, they battle the forces of evil.

Child Bowen (from beyond): Help me! I’m in the light!

And in a moment of dramatic flair, the family unites, and the spirits are thwarted.

Act VI: A Bittersweet Conclusion

Father Bowen: We have triumphed! But at what cost?

Mother Bowen: Our home is but a shell, haunted by the memories of what transpired.

As they leave the house, the final scene reveals the house imploding, ensuring that the spirits will have no further fun.

All Together: Thus ends our tale of woe, where a home once filled with laughter became a stage for horror!

And they lived, perhaps not quite happily ever after, but at least away from malevolent spirits.