The King’s Man: A Hilariously Spoiled Review
Picture this: a time when the world was ruled by mustachioed tyrants and people wore hats that could probably double as a small tent. Yes, welcome to The King’s Man, where a gentleman in a tailored suit and his somewhat inept apprentice are tasked with saving the world from a cabal of historical villains who have decided that world domination is just a weekend hobby.
The film begins with our dapper protagonist, Orlando Oxford (played by Ralph Fiennes, who looks like he just stepped out of a Bond film, but with more emotional baggage). He’s a man on a mission: to prevent a war that could annihilate millions. Spoiler alert: he’s not doing it for the glory or the fame, but because he’s got a heart of gold and a penchant for dashing suits.
As the plot unfolds, we learn that Orlando’s got a son, Conrad, who is the embodiment of youthful naivety and a complete disregard for his father’s wisdom. Conrad, bless his heart, thinks he can just waltz into the world of espionage and save the day. Spoiler: he can’t. He’s about as useful as a chocolate teapot when it comes to stopping a war.
Now, let’s talk about the villains. This isn’t your run-of-the-mill bad guy lineup. No, we’ve got a veritable who’s who of history’s worst, including Rasputin (who, frankly, steals the show with his outrageous dance moves and a penchant for torturing people in the most flamboyant way possible). If you ever wanted to see Rasputin in a tutu, this film has you covered. Trust me, it’s a sight that will haunt your dreams.
Then there’s the whole plot about the “Secret Service” which, let’s be honest, is about as secret as a Kardashian’s morning routine. The cabal of baddies is orchestrating a war that will lead to millions of deaths because, apparently, they think that’s just what you do when you’re bored. Who knew world domination could be so tedious?
As Orlando and his merry band of misfits try to thwart these dastardly plans, we’re treated to a series of action sequences that are equal parts thrilling and absurd. There’s a scene involving a horse that is both majestic and utterly ridiculous—watching it gallop through a battle feels like a bizarre fever dream. Spoiler alert: the horse definitely has more character development than some of the human cast.
In the end, after a series of twists that would make a pretzel jealous, Orlando manages to save the day, but not without a hefty dose of loss and some serious emotional turmoil. Conrad, in a moment of misguided heroism, meets his end in a rather tragic fashion, proving once again that being a young, idealistic lad in a spy movie is a great way to get yourself killed. It’s a classic tale of “don’t try this at home, kids.”
So, if you’re in the mood for a film that combines historical inaccuracies with stylish action and a dash of British humor, The King’s Man is your ticket. Just remember to keep your expectations low and your sense of humor high. It’s a wild ride through history’s worst moments, and you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, and you’ll definitely question your life choices. Cheers!