A Surreal Spoiler-Filled Recap of Zack Snyder’s Justice League

Picture this: Bruce Wayne, also known as the world’s most brooding billionaire, has a moment of clarity that can only be described as “I should probably get a team together.” After losing his best friend, Superman, in a battle that was less “Superman Returns” and more “Superman Takes a Nap,” Bruce decides to assemble a group of misfits to face an impending doom that sounds like a bad sci-fi movie title: “Steppenwolf Strikes Back.”

First up on his list is Diana Prince, aka Wonder Woman, who is busy smashing ancient artifacts and throwing shade at the patriarchy. Bruce, with all the charm of a wet cardboard box, manages to convince her to join the cause. Together, they form the world’s most dysfunctional superhero recruitment agency. “You’ll want to join us,” Bruce says. “We have snacks.” Spoiler: They don’t.

Next, they recruit Aquaman, who is basically a grumpy fish man with a drinking problem. He emerges from the ocean like a soggy superhero, grumbling about humans and their land-based problems. Meanwhile, Cyborg, a half-man, half-machine with more emotional baggage than a soap opera star, joins the party. He’s the tech support of the group, but let’s be real, he’s also the one who can hack into just about anything, including your Netflix account.

Now, let’s not forget about The Flash, who zips in and out of scenes faster than you can say “squirrel.” He’s the comic relief and the one who seems to have never read the room. “I’m just here for the snacks,” he says, blissfully unaware of the impending doom. Spoiler alert: he brings nothing to the table except awkward humor and a questionable fashion sense.

As the team assembles, they realize they need to find Mother Boxes, which are basically the cosmic version of Tupperware that have been lost for eons. Each box has the power to do something incredibly ominous, like resurrect the dead or summon a giant, angry space monster. They find out Steppenwolf, the villain with the most unfortunate name since “Darth Vader,” is on a quest to collect these boxes and impress his boss, Darkseid. Yes, Darkseid, who sounds like a heavy metal band from the ’80s but is actually the ultimate baddie of the universe.

In a series of epic battles that would make even the most jaded action fan squeal with delight, our heroes face off against Steppenwolf, who is basically a glorified henchman with a bad case of the Mondays. The fights are intense, the CGI is impressive, and at one point, Wonder Woman does a backflip that defies the laws of physics. Seriously, I think she invented a new form of acrobatics.

But wait! The real kicker comes when they realize they need Superman back. Because what’s a superhero movie without the guy who can literally fly around the world and turn back time? They dig up his body (yup, you read that right) and use one of those Mother Boxes to resurrect him. He comes back looking a little worse for wear, like he just woke up from a 10-year bender. “What did I miss?” he asks, oblivious to the chaos that has unfolded.

When the final showdown happens, it’s a glorious mess of chaos, heroism, and slow-motion shots that could be a music video for a rock ballad. They manage to defeat Steppenwolf (because duh) and send him packing back to whatever cosmic dark web he crawled out of. Darkseid, however, is not pleased and makes a mental note to file a complaint with HR.

In the end, the Justice League stands united, basking in the glory of their victory while also realizing they still have a lot of emotional baggage to unpack. Superman decides to stick around, and they all agree to form a support group for superheroes. “We’ll call it ‘Justice League: The Therapy Sessions,’” Bruce quips, and everyone groans.

So, there you have it! Zack Snyder’s Justice League is a wild ride filled with humor, heart, and enough slow-motion shots to make you dizzy. It’s a film that reminds us that even the most powerful heroes need each other—and maybe a good therapist.